Category Archives: Fictional Bollocks

Emmanuel Adebayor ranked amongst Arsenal’s best former players from Africa

The Gunners are known for the opportunity given to African players to feature in their team. African stars including Emmanuel Frimpong, Yaya Sanogo, Kolo Toure, Emmanuel Eboue, Nwankwo Kanu, Alex Iwobi, Gilles Sun, Jehad Muntasser, and Carlin Itonga have all featured for the North London club in the time past. Many of the listed players had a very successful spell with the team while others failed to live up to expectations before leaving the Emirates Stadium outfits.

However, we shall be unveiling the top five players who had a memorable experience at the Emirates Stadium. So, Who are the best players to have featured for the Gunners in history?

5. Emmanuel Adebayor

The Togolese striker is fifth on the list following his relative success during the three years he’s spent at the Emirates Stadium. The highly controversial star joined the Gunners in 2006 from Monaco and he went on to feature in 143 matches scoring 62 goals in all competitions.

The 2007-08 season was arguably his most productive campaign in the Gunners’ red and white jersey as he found the back of the net on 30 occasions from just 40 starts. Unfortunately, Adebayor didn’t win any trophy with the team before he was captured by Arsenal rival Manchester City in 2009.

4. Alex Song

The Cameroon legend rightly occupies the fourth position due to his breathtaking performances he put up throughout his days with Arsene Wenger’s men. Unlucky not to be part of the invisible Gunners, Song joined the team in 2005 from Bastia (first on loan before the deal was made permanent) and he stayed at North London for seven years. Though the defensive midfielder wasn’t consistent in his early days with the team, he can prevent best players from going past him whenever he’s in fine form.

He would be remembered for his wonderful display in his last few seasons with the club when he finally showcased his potentials and quality. Unfortunately, that wasn’t good enough to prevent the French manager from sanctioning his move to Barcelona in 2012. Did he won any trophy with the Gunners? Sadly No

3. Kolo Toure

The inspirational and sturdy Ivorian deserves the third spot, thanks to the defensive prowess he showcased throughout his days with the team. Despite coming from a lowly-rated Ivorian side ASEC academy in 2002, the former Liverpool man stood his ground against amidst intense competition for spots in starting lineup. He established a formidable partnership with Sol Campbell at the heart of the defence, and he played a massive role in the team’s record-breaking run to 2003-04 EPL title without a single defeat.

2. Lauren

This is another Cameroonian on the list and he justifiably stays in the second position. He was part of the ‘invincible’ squad having joined the Gunners in 2000 through to 2007 in which he played 241 games scoring nine goals in the process. He helped Arsene Wenger’s men to two EPL titles, and he did these same with his country as he led them to two back-to-back AFCON trophies.

1. Nwankwo Kanu

44 goals in 198 games, Nwankwo Kanu tops our list of best five African legends that have featured for the North London club. Despite spending just five seasons under Wenger, the versatile player won two EPL titles, two CAF player of the year awards and two BBC African player awards. It will interest you to know that he was part of the highly-rated invisible Gunners team.

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Filed under Arsenal, Emmanuel Adebayor, Fictional Bollocks, gooner news, News, Opinions, Premier League, Wenger

The Formula for Success

Arsene Wenger has become renowned in the English and indeed world football for his methodical  and considered approach to training and team selection. Early in his tenure, experienced players were both bemused and intrigued by his dietary initiatives (steamed fish and room-temperature water) and coaching innovations (incessant stretching every five minutes). However, once they realised they were fitter than the opposition, and were likely to have longer careers if they had rubberised hamstrings and the ankles of a yoga expert, they bought in to these changes and embraced them. Arsene also justified the selection of individual players by recourse  to detailed statistical analysis, which although it may have strengthened his case in press conferences, had the effect of thoroughly confusing and irritating supporters on numerous occasions (e.g. Denilson).

Given our recent travails it is tempting to suggest that a calculated and scientific re-evaluation of our methods of preparation might be in order once again. It is an approach that has also worked elsewhere, at least in name. Younger readers may not remember the Everton “School of Science”, particularly as Fellaini’s recent attempt (as laudable as it was) at rearranging the face of Ryan Shawcross serves only to banish such a memory further into the mists of the distant past. It is time, I suggest, to expand on the notion of “Academies” and “Scholars” and focus the energies of both playing and coaching staff at the Grove on a more scientific approach.

It seems to me that our lack of success this season has had less to do with our form and more to do with the ability of opposition teams to prevent us from playing the game as we wish. It is one of the great clichés of the modern game that the really good sides can still be successful and pick up points even when they play badly. While watching The Arsenal this season I’ve often been left with the feeling that it matters less whether we play well or not – if the opposition play well to a certain plan they will defeat us, regardless of our form going in to the game, the attitude of individual players, or the level of preparation for the game.

What I propose, therefore, is the development and application of a highly sophisticated scientific formula for ensuring success. A suitable set of scientific parameters should be devised which can then be used to generate a range of formulae to apply to the preparation of the squad for individual matches. These parameters would include statistical, tactical, medical and meteorological data and values. Statistical values, for example, might be expressed as:

p = the value representing the efficiency of our passing game e.g. percentage of completed passes in key areas

g = the effectiveness of our goalkeeping e.g. % of shots saved, aerial balls claimed/cleared, long kicks to teammates and so on

a = the accuracy of attempts on goal

s = the total number of attempts on goal per game

d = the efficiency of defending e.g. success rate as a percentage of attempted tackles

e = the number of individual errors committed per game

Combining such values with certain other functions representing individual players, condition of the playing surface, home or away game, weather conditions etc. allows for the development of sophisticated predictive formulae which may be utilised for team selection, and the refinement of a suitable tactical approach.

Let us provide an example. A simple descriptive formula may look something like this:

3 = p(RA) + s(ÇΡ) x a + d – e

where = win, = Rosicky, A =Arteta, Ç = Cazorla, Ρ = Podolski, and W³ = an on-form Walcott who controls the ball properly with his first touch and doesn’t overtake it when trying to beat a defender.

Of course the formula may be inverted for predictive purposes, particularly when other variables are introduced:

p(RA) + s(ÇΡ) x a + d – e + ω 0

where ω = Chamakh and 0 = loss. In this instance ω could be substituted for λ (Arshavin) or ? (Park) with no difference in the outcome. 

As alluded to above, external factors can be included as in this example:

p(RxA) + s(ÇxΡx) x a + d + ≈ + Š = Ø

where  = the pitch at the Stadium of Light, Š = Martin O’Neill’s unpleasant shower of Mackems and Ø = a no score draw.

There is scope to broaden this approach by the inclusion of other formulae from different branches of scientific endeavour. Perhaps the most famous formula of them all –  e = mc² – could thus be interpreted in radically different terms:

errors = mental lapses x casual defending of a highly irresponsible nature (it follows that  would be of a heinously irresponsible nature, but c would merely be irresponsible).

I realise, of course, that this proposal is not going to put me on the shortlist for the Fields Medal, nor is it likely that Arsène and Bouldy will pay any heed to my suggestion. But if we don’t get a decent result against Martinez and Wigan this afternoon, I’ll compose a detailed paper on the subject and send it to Colney anyway.

Up the Arse.

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Filed under Arteta, Bould, Cazorla, Chamakh, Denilson, Fictional Bollocks, General Musings, gooner news, Podolski, Rosicky, Tactical Bollocks, Walcott

Theo Walcott and The Mysterious Contract(a fairytale story)

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Theo. As a boy growing up he loved athletics and football, talented in both he decided he would follow his dream of becoming a footballer and was soon signed by Swindon after scoring one hundred million goals for his local team. Shortly after joining the lowly Swindon he was spotted by scouts from Southampton and he promptly joined the Saints.

While at Southampton he continued scoring goals at youth level gaining the notice of the villainous Villian Arry Cuntknapp. Arry was trying to deceive the young Theo into thinking he wasnt a villainous cunt and so handed him his first team debut at the age of 16 where our hero scored 3 goals in his first three games, the cunning plot devised by  Arry to indoctrinate Theo into his band of merry idiots nearly worked but for the intervention of the wise and magical Arsene Wenger. In a move reminiscent of Gandalf rescuing the Hobbits, AW signed Theo for the Best Team The World Has Ever Seen, thus rescuing him from the evil clutches of the Cuntknapp.

While all this was going on, the sleazy foreign Uncle of the English footballing world was trying to figure out a way to distract people from the fact he hadn’t a dickie bird about what he was doing. He struck on the wonderful idea of bringing our Young Hero to the World Cup in Germany so that people would be distracted from his off the field extra curricular activities. Despite being surrounded by the absolute Cunteryness of John Terry, Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney & Co our hero returned un-scathed and uncapped from Germany.

Over the following 6 years Theo tried his best at being the most infuriating and consistently inconsistent player at the club mixing great performances with bouts of absolute mediocrity. All this has brought us to our present situation where we find Theo awaiting the offer of continuing adventures with AW and the aforementioned Best Team The World Has Ever Seen or face the prospect of leaving for pastures shittier in 12 months time.

While all the talk recently has been of the contractual  situation with our Oranje Captain, people seemed to have glossed over the issues surrounding our other great English hope. While our hero can be frustrating, at his young age he must surely be worth the offer of a new deal if for no other reason than we could flog him for multiple bags of gold coins if things don’t work out and he doesn’t become the Grand Hero we all hope.

For more tales of adventure follow me on twitter @wicklowgooner

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Filed under Arsenal, Fictional Bollocks, Walcott

Stoke: Total War

Football has reached an unprecedented level of popularity over the last two decades, and given the parallel developments in technology and personal computing, it’s hardly surprising that game designers have sought to combine the two for commercial gain. They have some spectacular success with the arcade-style FIFA and Pro-Evo series, and more complex management simulations like the peerless Championship/Football Manager titles.

Neither is it surprising that the marketing departments of football clubs have signed exclusive deals with software developers to create club-branded games. There are some concepts, however, that are never going to work. Like this one:

It’s a non-starter.

“Dark storm clouds gather over the Britannia, as your enemies marshal their forces to attack. Recruit, train and deploy your men to decimate your opponents at all costs. New specialist warriors are available:

– Third-Rate Clogger: gains bonuses for special Late Challenge Attacks™

– Ageing Journeyman: +30% Distance Throwing Attack.

Delight your Chairman by guaranteeing mid-table mediocrity year after year. Entertain the media with your indignant, self-righteous, post-match ranting. Extract cash from your knuckle-dragging supporters with an end of season ‘highlights’ DVD (one goal, 48 throw-ins).  Lead your hordes on abortive and utterly futile European raids. “

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Koscielny’s Knee Injury: the “Truth”

The official reason for Koscielny’s removal from the line-up against Villa last Saturday was that he was suffering from tendinitis in his knee, having woken up with the problem on Saturday morning. However, it appears there may be more to this story than meets the eye.

A source at the club, who wishes to remain anonymous, has revealed to us that the cause of the injury was very different, and has even provided us with photographic evidence. “Laurent can’t help himself,” we have been told, “he’s addicted.” It transpires that our resolute centre half is a bit of a Western buff, hence his favourite pastime:

“He’s remodelled his basement last summer. A few of the lads go over regularly, even Boro. But they can’t let the boss know, they’re afraid he’d ban the machine”. Apparently, however,  Frimpong has been banned from using the machine since he spent an hour and 47 minutes on it last October without being thrown, and Koscielny had to get it serviced afterwards.

Things could get even more dangerous at the Koscielny ranch as it seems there are plans to build an indoor firing range so Laurent can loose off a few rounds with his collection of antique Colt revolvers. “He loves all of that stuff” our source told us, “that’s why he walks like a cowboy”.

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Filed under Fictional Bollocks