Theo Walcott and The Mysterious Contract(a fairytale story)

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Theo. As a boy growing up he loved athletics and football, talented in both he decided he would follow his dream of becoming a footballer and was soon signed by Swindon after scoring one hundred million goals for his local team. Shortly after joining the lowly Swindon he was spotted by scouts from Southampton and he promptly joined the Saints.

While at Southampton he continued scoring goals at youth level gaining the notice of the villainous Villian Arry Cuntknapp. Arry was trying to deceive the young Theo into thinking he wasnt a villainous cunt and so handed him his first team debut at the age of 16 where our hero scored 3 goals in his first three games, the cunning plot devised by  Arry to indoctrinate Theo into his band of merry idiots nearly worked but for the intervention of the wise and magical Arsene Wenger. In a move reminiscent of Gandalf rescuing the Hobbits, AW signed Theo for the Best Team The World Has Ever Seen, thus rescuing him from the evil clutches of the Cuntknapp.

While all this was going on, the sleazy foreign Uncle of the English footballing world was trying to figure out a way to distract people from the fact he hadn’t a dickie bird about what he was doing. He struck on the wonderful idea of bringing our Young Hero to the World Cup in Germany so that people would be distracted from his off the field extra curricular activities. Despite being surrounded by the absolute Cunteryness of John Terry, Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney & Co our hero returned un-scathed and uncapped from Germany.

Over the following 6 years Theo tried his best at being the most infuriating and consistently inconsistent player at the club mixing great performances with bouts of absolute mediocrity. All this has brought us to our present situation where we find Theo awaiting the offer of continuing adventures with AW and the aforementioned Best Team The World Has Ever Seen or face the prospect of leaving for pastures shittier in 12 months time.

While all the talk recently has been of the contractual  situation with our Oranje Captain, people seemed to have glossed over the issues surrounding our other great English hope. While our hero can be frustrating, at his young age he must surely be worth the offer of a new deal if for no other reason than we could flog him for multiple bags of gold coins if things don’t work out and he doesn’t become the Grand Hero we all hope.

For more tales of adventure follow me on twitter @wicklowgooner

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