Stoke: Total War

Football has reached an unprecedented level of popularity over the last two decades, and given the parallel developments in technology and personal computing, it’s hardly surprising that game designers have sought to combine the two for commercial gain. They have some spectacular success with the arcade-style FIFA and Pro-Evo series, and more complex management simulations like the peerless Championship/Football Manager titles.

Neither is it surprising that the marketing departments of football clubs have signed exclusive deals with software developers to create club-branded games. There are some concepts, however, that are never going to work. Like this one:

It’s a non-starter.

“Dark storm clouds gather over the Britannia, as your enemies marshal their forces to attack. Recruit, train and deploy your men to decimate your opponents at all costs. New specialist warriors are available:

– Third-Rate Clogger: gains bonuses for special Late Challenge Attacks™

– Ageing Journeyman: +30% Distance Throwing Attack.

Delight your Chairman by guaranteeing mid-table mediocrity year after year. Entertain the media with your indignant, self-righteous, post-match ranting. Extract cash from your knuckle-dragging supporters with an end of season ‘highlights’ DVD (one goal, 48 throw-ins).  Lead your hordes on abortive and utterly futile European raids. “

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